Sunday, May 04, 2003

T h e M u s e a n d W h i r l e d R e t o r t
May 2003

that would be Volume IV issue viii
Milwaukee, WI
April 30, 2003

Hey Everybody,
It's that time of the month again! Happy Earth Day and Happy Mayday! Anne and I have been up here in the cheesehead state for an Earth Day to May Day festival ˆ doing things like performing for the striking Tyson workers in Jefferson. But I gotta make this brief because we gots to start counting mile markers, cows, and Tyson Chicken trucks lying like roadkill in truck-stop holding lots as we head to the Big Apple for May Day.

I know, I know ˆ many of you look to this newsletter for some sort of counterpoint to the endless inundation from Fox news - but not this month. I am sorry.

I know, I know ˆ there is a whole planet spinning out of round on its axis of evil.

SARS has not yet collateralled as many innocent civilians as the American Armed Forces.

The US Marines (with a little help from Iraqi children who happened to have mouths full of Skittles® at the time) pulled down a statue of Saddam Hussein and then erected in its place a statue of Bob's Big Boy.

Dick Cheney now has a stone tablet copy of The Babylonian Beacon- Journal (first edition ˆ printed in cuneiform) sitting on his coffee table beneath the latest issues of Guns and Ammo, Men's Health, and the swimsuit edition of National Geographic.

BTW: I picture Dick Cheney digging so far into his secret bunker that he actually goes all the way through the earth and runs into Osama Bin Laden (remember him?) digging from the other end.

But before I get to the point of this month's missive ˆ I have to say: it makes me snicker when ˆ after Anne and I finish a set -- someone comes up and says, "Don't you think you should give some equal time in your set?"

Equal time? There is not enough time in the evening for us to do a set long enough to approach equal time. We could do the whole festival, the whole week - we could play the rest of the year ˆ non-stop ˆ hell we could play longer than an episode of Entertainment Tonight and time would not be equal.

If you want "equal time" flip on the TV. Turn on AM radio. Turn on FM Radio! Turn on Cable Radio! Read the "liberal press." Walk into a bar. Open a window. Read a bumper sticker, a T-Shirt, a ball cap, a dixie cup. Eavesdrop on a conversation at the Starvin' Marvin. There is your equal time ˆ yea that's it - equal time. As equal as the median income of those getting a tax break and those who are not. As equal as the Yankees and the Expos ˆ as equal as the Conquistadores and the Incas, Lee and Grant after the fall of Richmond, the Iraqi Army and the US Marines... as balanced as the budget... (I do want to interject here that the technological difference between the Iraqi army and the US was greater than that between the Spanish and the Incas.)

Equal Time.

So, with that in mind - this month I only want to tell you about this brand new CD. I know I know, I mentioned we were going to do it ˆ but we did. It is at the manufacturer right now!

So, Chandler, what's it called? Oh, I thought you would never ask:

"Live from the Wholly Stolen Empire."

It was recorded at a number of choice shows this year including Henfling's in Santa Cruz, The Cherry Tree in Philadelphia, The Norway House in Victoria and Reed College in Portland, OR.

Please understand ˆ I am only telling you about this because so many of you have been asking, "How do I get a copy of that one with the bit about the corporations that used to operate Ronald Reagan like a marionette now having their hand stuck so far up the tight rectal sphincter of George W Bush that the are now able to operate this guy like a hand puppet

"or the bit about how, from the space shuttle, Florida looks like a giant limp tallywhacker hanging flaccid from the beast now known as the United States ˆ yet, from that drooping Johnson ˆ mankind ejaculates into the cosmos ˆ shooting the seeds of the fountain of youth to swim the heavens in search of eternal creation...

"Or the one about ˆ how nothing makes me anymore fulfilled ˆ than I was ˆ when I received that brightly colored package ˆ with the picture of the Sea Monkeys waving to me as they swam by ˆ and I ripped open that package ˆ and emptied its contents into a large gold-fish bowl and watched breathlessly ˆ as ˆ as two pathetic brine- shrimp larvae floated ˆ in a most un-seamonkey-like descent to the bottom of that bowl!?"

Yes, folks it is all here. In one shrink-wrapped package.

BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE! If you order now-now-now (add echo) you will get a (slightly used) set of Ginsu Knives and an "Inside the Egg" Egg Scrambler®. (also slightly used. hey ˆ I fell for it once ˆ and ya gotta get rid of that stuff somehow.)

OK, not really. But there really is more ˆ MUCH MORE.

Anne has finally put together a CD of all of her Union Classics such as: Union Maid, and Solidarity Forever as well as some of her own inspired compositions -- War on the Workers, What Ever Happened to the Eight Hour Day? & 19 (yes, 19!) others...

So ˆ you ask How can I get a copy? And as you ask ˆ for a brief moment -- I would think, "What kind of swoosh-sticka® wearing capitalist do you take me for?"

Then I would take a big sip of my Latte Grande®, I crease the brim of my New Orleans Saints® ball cap (made in Macao but bought in a thrift store ˆ owned by GAP® ˆ but that is a different story) I take a drag off my Marlboro Medium® ˆ I realize THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS EQUAL TIME and then I tell you:

go to: and use a creditcard.

or (if you're like me) and do not have a credit card you can send $15 (+ $1 S&H) to Anne Feeney (she is the one responsible enough to have a checking account) 7206 Michigan Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15218 (Pennsylvania Residents add another $1.05 for sales tax)

There you have it. Till the long haul ends ˆ you will find Anne and me out on the road ˆ here's hoping we talk in person.

chris chandler

Kerrville is coming! Need I say more? We are Booked Booked Booked on May 29!
Speaking of Kerrville ˆ Anne and I would like to express our deep sadness in the passing of Jim Ross. He was an anchor that stabilized camp CALM through the storm of songs that is Kerrville. His passing makes me acutely aware of how much harder we will all have to work to just keep pace in a world without Jim Ross. He was a friend of fifteen years, a music lover and a veteran. Though we often disagreed politically he taught me to disagree with grace. I will miss him ˆ and his insightful comments to this newsletter.
We could sure use some help on both the trip down to Kerrville as well as the trip back up. Please see our tour dates below.
Praise HA! A documentary about laughter that I have worked on (and off) for several years with my good friend Wendy Corn will be making its debut in NYC this weekend! Our screening will be taking place on Sunday, May 4, 2003 in New York City at the SCREENING ROOM, 54 Varick @ Canal at HIGH NOON (please try to shake your hangover and arrive by 11:30am) Followed by Mimosas and Bloody Marys at the cash bar. MAY FOURTH IS WORLD LAUGHTER DAY! check out:
This summer is starting to fill out nicely ˆ but we could sure use some help here and there. Please see tour dates ˆ and if you are on the west coast and have some ideas for July ˆ Zap us!
Anne's smoking update... not since November! That is over 5 months. She is like the energizer bunny ˆ only I feel like the energizer bunny's drum.
Past Whirled Retorts: or: FINALLY!

See you in the road.
Anne Feeney

7206 Michigan Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15218

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